By Krithi Sriram

The George Washington University ’23

I had known that I was gay for four years before coming out. I had been going back and forth frequently about whether to tell my parents or not, and the burden had become too much to bear. Finally, I sat my mom down in my bedroom and told her the October of my senior year of high school. What followed was an extremely messy and challenging time period in my life, a far cry away from the tearful and sweet experiences that are portrayed on television. My mother made it very clear that she did not approve of my sexuality and that I was going against my Indian heritage by choosing to live outside the closet. I did not realize that coming out meant that I would be going up against generations of ingrained homophobia in my family and the South Asian community in general.

Coming out is an extremely scary, personal, and often unpredictable experience. South Asians face an additional series of struggles during their coming out process, usually amplified by generational beliefs of homophobia as well as an overall lack of awareness and ignorance towards the LGBTQ+ community. While I do not regret coming out, there were several factors about the process that I would have done differently if I was given another chance.

Here are some some important lessons that I have learnt from my coming out experience:

1. Make a plan and prepare for the worst

My failure to adopt a more realistic approach to their reception of the news is something I still regret to this day.  The message I received from many on social media and the LGBTQ+ community was that there is no good time to come out and that the best time is now. However, in a culture that prizes the preservation of tradition and the submission of biodatas for marriage proposals, this is not necessarily true. Belonging to a group that prides community image and purity increases the likelihood of receiving a more aggressive response to your coming out. So prepare for the worst and come out during a time where you can either distance yourself from your family or be completely self-sufficient if your family chooses to completely severe ties from you. Families may also be more accepting of your sexuality if you are further along in your life and have more secure future prospects. 

2. Practice

In my specific case, a lack of preparation led to me blubbering out words to my mother, in some ways amplifying her negative reaction to the situation; she was now attempting to comprehend my incoherency and absorb the gravity of my statement simultaneously. I was unable to answer her questions and concerns as I myself was not fully educated on my sexuality. So, be prepared. Coming out can be extremely intimidating so when preparing for the big statement, think of it as the same as getting ready for a presentation. Plan out the exact words you are going to use to come out. Many times, parents will not know precise terminologies. Sticking to simple phrases such as “I like girls” or “I like guys”, will quickly get the point across to them.

3. Coming out is not a one-time thing

Coming out to your parents is not the only time that you will have to come out. You will have to come out to friends, future employers, coworkers, and extended family members. However, coming out still happens on your own terms. Remember that you are in control of your sexuality and who knows about it.

4. Remember that labels do not define you

One of the biggest struggles that I faced after coming out was dealing not only with my parents’ rejection of my sexuality but with what my sexuality meant for me. I have always struggled to create a balance between my Indian and American identities, something that many South Asian Americans have grappled with, and my coming out posed an additional challenge to understanding myself.

5. Things will get better

In the months following my coming out, the suggestion did arise that I should stop fighting for myself, end my relationship with my current girlfriend, and force myself into a straight relationship in order to end the constant arguments and mental stress While in hindsight these suggestions are appalling, there were many moments where I did consider it  However, I was extremely privileged to have a support system that pushed me to stay true to myself and keep going. And while I was often annoyed by this statement when I first began hearing it, it does stand true – things will get better.

You are only your happiest when you are truly yourself. Coming out may be a daunting and difficult process, but it will bring you one big step closer to living your life on your own terms. We are all chipping away the generational perpetuation of homophobic beliefs within the South Asian community.